By Jacqui Flint

I sat on the bus thinking about everything I have to do. I looked over my list for the upteenth time that day. My list of things to do seems to get longer every day. I try to fill each minute of the day with a task, mindless or not. I have to keep going. I tell myself not to stop until it is time for bed. I wake before the sun rises and go to bed past the 11:00 news. In the last year I changed careers and made it through graduate school. My list of things to do seems to change on a consistent basis. I am usually able to scratch everything off and start a new list. One item that seems to transfer from list to list is "update website-write about Danice." It is written exactly in those words, dash and all.

I sit and reflect on why this item has stayed on that list so long and I realize it is because I do not know what to write. I do not know how to express sadness so I choose to forget that it exists. It seems that I can deal with everything in my life, but the loss of my sister. I am good at staying busy so I can avoid any feelings I might have about my sister being gone.

I try to remember what Danice looked like the last time I saw her and I see her smile. Sometimes I have dreams that she is coming back. It seems that writing her name too many times makes it apparent that her disappearance is real. It is hard to believe that after two and a half years, I have not faced that yet. I am not sure I ever will. When I see her name written down, it is there to look at over and over. Thoughts and sadness are easier to cross out.

Finding Danice is not something I can cross off my list of things to do. That fact is not something I can control. I can only think about how much I miss her. I can only think about how my family lost a sister, daughter, granddaughter, cousin, and niece two years ago. I can only think about how much I miss her. I can only guess how long I will stay busy and keep my mind occupied in order to avoid tears and thoughts of an ambiguous loss.